Obsessive Thoughts

A thought arrives — and it no longer leaves. You did not call it, you do not want it, and yet it is there. Again and again. You try to push it aside, but the harder you try, the louder it becomes. It is as if someone were sitting inside your head playing a record you never bought — and the needle is stuck in the same groove.

Sometimes they are images you do not want to see. Sometimes they are fears that torment you — what if something happens to the child, what if the door is not locked, what if I say or do something terrible. Sometimes they are doubts that gnaw into everything. And sometimes they are rituals you have to perform, because otherwise something unspeakable might happen. You know it is absurd. You know the door is locked. You know your hands are clean. But knowing is not enough. The thought remains.